The Snowy Egrets

by Georgina Mating

You are certain there is something you do not understand. This has never been part of your plans; this is not how it is supposed to happen. You are overwhelmed with confusion, anger, and fear. The staff at the hospital is incredibly good to you. They must have to deal with this scenario day after day, and it can never be easy, but you have never been faced with this situation. The plan has always been for you and your husband to have a great retirement, enjoy your “golden years,” and then simply fade away, painlessly, together. Now, you will never get to travel together, cook together, or do anything else together, ever. 

He has only been retired for two months when the infection lodges against his heart valve and then moves out of his heart and lodging in his brain causing a massive stroke. Because of all the damage that was done to his brain, not only did you not get to say goodbye to each other, you had to make the decision, the hardest decision there ever will be, to remove all those machines and watch him leave you. 

Several weeks after his death, you start to come out of the fog that has surrounded you since you became a widow. Your life seems to just go on as if nothing has happened; it is surreal. You start working at the store again, you need to start bringing money into the house. You visit your elderly mother who lives two hours away from you quite frequently. Driving the car you love, with the rock and roll playing that you love, going to visit the mother that you love, brings a feeling of peace to you. Feeling good and singing at the top of your lungs may startle other drivers, but you do not care about them at all. 

Stretches of countryside on the way to her house, show the beautiful, grassy fields and wildflowers. Along so many of those stretches there are gleaming white egrets flying over the fields near the road. They are one of your favorite animals because of their grace and beauty. Their glowing feathers appear delicate, but that is a trick because they are strong and resilient. 

At other times they are standing by the side of the freeway; they are close to traffic so you do not see how they can keep the wind generated by the traffic from blowing them over. They are out in the fields in twos and threes wherever they think they can find something tasty to eat. 

Nature, in general, has always fascinated you and touched your heart. The world is so beautiful, and its creatures are doubly so. You reflect on a large, old, oak tree in a field by the store that is a resting site for the local egrets. The tree looks like it has huge white flowers whenever a flock of them land on it. What a site! They become a touchstone for you, grounding you to the earth; it is almost magical when you see them. 

On a drive up the Northern California Coast, memories flood your mind, good memories and bad memories; after 35 years of marriage there are both kinds of memories, but you are blessed by more of the former. Your sense of loss and guilt for having to decide to let him go overwhelm you and threaten your driving safety. You keep telling yourself that there should have been more you could have done, or that you should have forced him to go to the doctor, or that he was an adult and responsible for his own actions. In your heart, you know that things happened just the way they were supposed to happen. Everything was out of your control. When you were at your most miserable during this trip, you cry out “Oh, God, I miss you so much, Ron.” Tears are streaming down your face so hard you can hardly see out the windshield. As you come around a corner, off near a pond by the side of the road, there are 25 or 30 of those special Snowy Egrets just standing around. You do not believe it. You have never seen that many together at one time. You think it must be Ron’s way, or God’s way of saying that things are going to be all right. You are being watched over and you do not need to fear anymore. I told you they were almost magical creatures. 

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Time Can't Make Me Forget

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Ronald's Graveyard Shift